I wrote the following six years ago. I went through my divorce in 2006. In some sense, it feels like another lifetime, yet at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. While my understanding has come a long way, sometimes I fall back into these doubts. I am still single and I still struggle with similar attitudes, so in that way it is very relevant. However, I did give up the actual wedding ring, yet there is still an aching in my heart and an empty place on my finger. I pray for victory and faith in the One Savior who can bring joy out of mourning and beauty out of ashes.
Peace and grace to you.
Facebook Post – May 2009
As most of you know I went through a divorce 3 years ago… I feel it’s time to let go of my wedding band. I LOVE(d) that ring!
Well I picked it up this evening and felt the weight of it in my hand. Memories flashed before my eyes and a wave of emotion came crashing down on top of me. Tears came over me and cried out to Jesus for help and comfort…
I can only relate this recent experience to the “One Ring” from the Lord of The Rings Trilogy. Remember the scene when Gandalf tries to pick up the One Ring after Bilbo drops it on the ground? In that story, the One Ring held great evil and malice … while the “Ring of Marriage” holds hope and love and Joy … (or at least it should) but when those hopes and dreams and the joy promised on my wedding day crumbled in my hands that day in January 2006 … it also holds alot of pain and anguish. I didn’t realize how much pain I still have because of that relationship and the abrupt end of it.
But there’s something else held in that ring …not in the chemical compound of white gold, but in the symbolic nature of the “Ring of Marriage.” It holds a hope, a dream and a joy that I’ve almost given up on. I feel SO FAR away from grasping such a beautiful treasure that at times it feels unattainable. Why is that? Why are so many people able to build such close and deep relationships, and I am not?
I coveted marriage growing up (I probably still do) and I put my hopes in marriage and my wife instead of the true LORD and SAVIOR, Jesus Christ. I thought being married would “fix” me, that it would give me the missing ingredient of my life. I was wrong and that was a HUGE mistake – my biggest mistake of my life so far – that will be with me the rest of my life. I want to believe God is redeeming that mistake and that pain … but to be honest sometimes I feel like he’s given up on me. Sometimes – okay often, er MOST of the time – I feel like I will be forever banished to singleness, never to know marriage as it SHOULD have been, never to have a partner to live life with, and never to have true intimacy with a beautiful woman and grow old with her.
Back to the Lord of the Rings … Boromir (the companion that betrays Frodo, the Ring Bearer) picks up the ring by its chain and says “how could such a small thing create so much fear and doubt?” … I wonder the same thing when I think of once again slipping a wedding ring on my finger on my – long-desired yet desperately out of reach – wedding day. It’s a small token of a HUGE committment…
The power of the “ring” is overwhelming. An unending band never ending, strong and true. Gold is such a precious and rare metal. Just as the love of a marriage is rare and precious. It’s so small but is heavy and has disproportionate weight to it’s size. Marriage is “heavy” in every – okay MOST – sense of the word. I don’t know where this is leading … I hope it doesn’t lead to a volcano where an even more desperate man will bite my finger off to get my wedding ring and I almost fall into the lava …
I really want to “have somebody” …but do I have the strength? Do I have the maturity. Can I be wise and discerning and not take the ring when the time is not right? The Queen of the Elves (Galadriel) was able to say “no” to the Ring as Frodo begged her to take it. She said “You offer it to me freely?…I will admit a long time have I desired this … but no…I will remain…” I certainly do not believe I do have the strength … as Yoda says, perhaps… “that is why [I] fail.”
For some reason I want to hold on to my wedding ring…“just a little longer…” to “hold it in my hand once more…” I’m not really sure why. The ring does have power over me and I want to let that go, to throw it into the lava at Mount Doom … or more reasonably … to give it to God and trust his path for my life whether that includes marriage or not … but how do I DO that? Why am I thirty-one years old and I haven’t the faintest clue about who I am? How did this happen?
I wasn’t as strong as Galadriel, I was in her place and I took the ring. Claimed it as my own without the Lord’s approval … Cat (my ex) begged me to marry her and I couldn’t resist. But instead of a beautiful union of man and woman it was a nightmare of lies, pain, foolish decisions, emotional and to make matters worse, financial loss! How do I recover from that and have confidence in my abilities to BE in a relationship again? Just as the One Ring of Frodo’s story could corrupt the noblest of the Wizards (Saruman), putting marriage ahead of God will do the same.
So when Cat rejected me, just as the One Ring rejected Gollum, I come to the conclusion that the only person I can trust is … me! :-( and I stay in isolation. Hanging out in groups so I’m not TOO alone … wishing I was in a relationship … and then wishing I wasn’t … hoping beyond hope someone will love me, but realizing it’s just a dream when I’m disappointed by my latest interest. Well, I can only go back to the Apostle Paul when he says in Romans 7 … “Who will save me from this body of DEATH? Praise be to God. The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord!” I want to lay hold of this truth … not just recite the verse and feel good about myself for knowing it is written there … I want LIFE. How? The only way I really know how to get Life is to go to the department store’s Toy aisle and pick up the Parker Brothers’ Game… but it’s not a game, even though I’ve treated it as such … The game of “how can I NOT get hurt?”
Well, the ring is still sitting on my table, my “precioussss” (just kidding it’s not THAT bad…:-D ) and I wonder if I’ll be able to willingly let go of it or if someone (God) will have to rip it out of my hands…
In the words of Frodo, “I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this would have ever happened…” and Gandalf replies, “So do all that see such times… but you have to do the best with what you’ve been given …” and Walt Disney echoes this in his motto of “Keep Moving Forward” … Pray that I’ll be able to. Going through the divorce has shown me how NOT to do it and has opened my eyes to the power of God. It was only through this experience that I’ve grown to know and love God deeper than I ever have and has motivated me to desire a deep connection to my creator. For that I am thankful.
Thank you for reading my ramblings.
Facebook Post – May 2009
As most of you know I went through a divorce 3 years ago… I feel it’s time to let go of my wedding band. I LOVE(d) that ring!
Well I picked it up this evening and felt the weight of it in my hand. Memories flashed before my eyes and a wave of emotion came crashing down on top of me. Tears came over me and cried out to Jesus for help and comfort…
I can only relate this recent experience to the “One Ring” from the Lord of The Rings Trilogy. Remember the scene when Gandalf tries to pick up the One Ring after Bilbo drops it on the ground? In that story, the One Ring held great evil and malice … while the “Ring of Marriage” holds hope and love and Joy … (or at least it should) but when those hopes and dreams and the joy promised on my wedding day crumbled in my hands that day in January 2006 … it also holds alot of pain and anguish. I didn’t realize how much pain I still have because of that relationship and the abrupt end of it.
But there’s something else held in that ring …not in the chemical compound of white gold, but in the symbolic nature of the “Ring of Marriage.” It holds a hope, a dream and a joy that I’ve almost given up on. I feel SO FAR away from grasping such a beautiful treasure that at times it feels unattainable. Why is that? Why are so many people able to build such close and deep relationships, and I am not?
I coveted marriage growing up (I probably still do) and I put my hopes in marriage and my wife instead of the true LORD and SAVIOR, Jesus Christ. I thought being married would “fix” me, that it would give me the missing ingredient of my life. I was wrong and that was a HUGE mistake – my biggest mistake of my life so far – that will be with me the rest of my life. I want to believe God is redeeming that mistake and that pain … but to be honest sometimes I feel like he’s given up on me. Sometimes – okay often, er MOST of the time – I feel like I will be forever banished to singleness, never to know marriage as it SHOULD have been, never to have a partner to live life with, and never to have true intimacy with a beautiful woman and grow old with her.
Back to the Lord of the Rings … Boromir (the companion that betrays Frodo, the Ring Bearer) picks up the ring by its chain and says “how could such a small thing create so much fear and doubt?” … I wonder the same thing when I think of once again slipping a wedding ring on my finger on my – long-desired yet desperately out of reach – wedding day. It’s a small token of a HUGE committment…
The power of the “ring” is overwhelming. An unending band never ending, strong and true. Gold is such a precious and rare metal. Just as the love of a marriage is rare and precious. It’s so small but is heavy and has disproportionate weight to it’s size. Marriage is “heavy” in every – okay MOST – sense of the word. I don’t know where this is leading … I hope it doesn’t lead to a volcano where an even more desperate man will bite my finger off to get my wedding ring and I almost fall into the lava …
I really want to “have somebody” …but do I have the strength? Do I have the maturity. Can I be wise and discerning and not take the ring when the time is not right? The Queen of the Elves (Galadriel) was able to say “no” to the Ring as Frodo begged her to take it. She said “You offer it to me freely?…I will admit a long time have I desired this … but no…I will remain…” I certainly do not believe I do have the strength … as Yoda says, perhaps… “that is why [I] fail.”
For some reason I want to hold on to my wedding ring…“just a little longer…” to “hold it in my hand once more…” I’m not really sure why. The ring does have power over me and I want to let that go, to throw it into the lava at Mount Doom … or more reasonably … to give it to God and trust his path for my life whether that includes marriage or not … but how do I DO that? Why am I thirty-one years old and I haven’t the faintest clue about who I am? How did this happen?
I wasn’t as strong as Galadriel, I was in her place and I took the ring. Claimed it as my own without the Lord’s approval … Cat (my ex) begged me to marry her and I couldn’t resist. But instead of a beautiful union of man and woman it was a nightmare of lies, pain, foolish decisions, emotional and to make matters worse, financial loss! How do I recover from that and have confidence in my abilities to BE in a relationship again? Just as the One Ring of Frodo’s story could corrupt the noblest of the Wizards (Saruman), putting marriage ahead of God will do the same.
So when Cat rejected me, just as the One Ring rejected Gollum, I come to the conclusion that the only person I can trust is … me! :-( and I stay in isolation. Hanging out in groups so I’m not TOO alone … wishing I was in a relationship … and then wishing I wasn’t … hoping beyond hope someone will love me, but realizing it’s just a dream when I’m disappointed by my latest interest. Well, I can only go back to the Apostle Paul when he says in Romans 7 … “Who will save me from this body of DEATH? Praise be to God. The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord!” I want to lay hold of this truth … not just recite the verse and feel good about myself for knowing it is written there … I want LIFE. How? The only way I really know how to get Life is to go to the department store’s Toy aisle and pick up the Parker Brothers’ Game… but it’s not a game, even though I’ve treated it as such … The game of “how can I NOT get hurt?”
Well, the ring is still sitting on my table, my “precioussss” (just kidding it’s not THAT bad…:-D ) and I wonder if I’ll be able to willingly let go of it or if someone (God) will have to rip it out of my hands…
In the words of Frodo, “I wish the ring had never come to me, I wish none of this would have ever happened…” and Gandalf replies, “So do all that see such times… but you have to do the best with what you’ve been given …” and Walt Disney echoes this in his motto of “Keep Moving Forward” … Pray that I’ll be able to. Going through the divorce has shown me how NOT to do it and has opened my eyes to the power of God. It was only through this experience that I’ve grown to know and love God deeper than I ever have and has motivated me to desire a deep connection to my creator. For that I am thankful.
Thank you for reading my ramblings.
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