Confessions of an Insomniac

Mind - racing
Hope for deep sleep - receding
Exhaustion - worn like a favorite garment

When will relief come?
How can I maintain sanity with such lack of peace?

Heart beating
Mind frantically seeking solutions
Evaluating the day
Seeking a plan for tomorrow
That never materializes
Into Substance
Will rest and relaxation come to this weary soul?

Too hot!
Too Cold!

Too soft
Too firm

What if?
How Come?

Why do I stay so long?
In this turmoil of angst

Energized
(Restless)
yet drained

Will dreams come?
Will my mind's race shatter
My Hope
of a full night's slumber?
How dare I think such drivel!
Hasn't history taught me
what lies behind
Lies before?

Or is that a lie from below?

I want to pronounce
"Hope Remains"
(While Christ reigns eternal)
Though, if the words do not form
within my soul's center core
Where is my Faith
In this ongoing struggle
Against anxious turmoil?

Avoid?
Escape?
Contain!
With straining efforts
never ending,
unabating
when pursued on my own strength

"Rest in my love"
He whispers
"Do not be anxious
for the race is already marked
ahead with victory"

But how do I lay these burdens down?

My meager hands
clenched tight in silent defiance
So my accuser cries out
using the voice of pride
"I MUST triumph over my own impurities!"
"I MUST be punished for my failings!"
Suffering the full effects of my poor decisions
"I MUST pave my own way
to MY glory
through penance and MY self-sufficiency" **

Self-Righteousness is my faulty goal

My gaze drops to the ground
Tears stream down quivering cheeks
Calloused hands fall to my side
Empty of lasting value
Releasing the coarse chains of slavery
Palms torn, fingers bleeding, elbows bruised
Scraped and slashed
My once tight chest releases a long-held breath
a deep sigh erupts
With a voice of holy resignation
I gasp the words
"I give up this fruitless endeavor"

"I surrender..."

But what now?
Out of the corner of my eye I see --
what's this?
His scarred hands held out 
offering
His loving touch

But
how can I accept such wonderful mercy?
When the law says death is my due?

"Do not harden your heart, my son
as some do
You are free, have the courage to live"

So, with exhaustion
Surrender overtakes my stubbornness
"Alright, my penalty is... yours"
"I'm done striving for nought"
I want to accept your grace, mercy, peace
And rest
For I need to trust you
And live a full life
But I know my weakness and pride
Accepting the mighty gift will be hard
Forgive me
For I require your help, to accept your help

You set my heart free to love
to love and live

"May I have courage to live and love
As You do..."

"Sleep, My son
Goodnight
my peace is yours"

My eyes close, my breath slows and heart beat becomes steady

As sleep overtakes me

Mission High School Bell Tower, SF

Long spire extends toward heaven

the wavey mosaic dome
Holey tower above the rest
intricate carvings of scenes in stone
Pierced through
Revealing the sky beyond
creating space for tolling bells
spreading news
indicating time
harking back to a past
Ringing in the present age
Pointing to a skyward future

Fog @ Mission Dolores Park

The fog rolls on and in
over the hills
through the city streets
unrelenting

The sun burns
with rays sharpened and sure
through the approaching misty wave

homes, bikes and tots consumed
around, in front, above, behind
obscuring the vision
blurring the lines
chilling the air
scattering the park goers to seek
inside shelter
to escape the enveloping haze

SF Summer 2016 - Lamentation

Lord have mercy!

The world spins furiously within my mind

Too many choices, yet no resolution

Where is my affirmation and validation?

Why can I ruminate forever and hate my decisions regardless of the outcome?

Why am I so heavy with grief?

The bombings are so distant and expected

The loss of life is inevitable, right?

But why? How do we twist your goodness into murder?

Where is the hope you promised?

How can we love, when there is so much hate?

Lord, have mercy

The beautiful country is now a barren wasteland haunted by murderous Ravens out for carrion

Ravages of war saturate the news, a war with(?) physical boundaries, yet permeates us all

Where is your justice?

When will you make these wrongs right?

My heart is drowning in envy, jealousy and distrust

I want so much, yet see so little hope

Even when granted, these gifts, I feel ill-equipped to steward them for your glory

I have no idea how to lay hold of what I have - what you have given

I don't deserve your love, your grace is a mystery

Will you please reveal it? I need you!

Hevel hevel...a mist promising satiation - fulfillment that never arrives

Unrest and lack of sleep

Distressed bowels torture me incessantly

Dizziness and excess worry linger through the waking hours

Sleepless nights of early dawn and foggy summers...

Ugh!

Free me from this prison of discontent!

Help me to love... like you love

Let me let go of that which holds me back!

May I see as you do and feel your heart's cry

Christ, have mercy

I hunger to rest in your loving arms

Come, Lord Jesus

Come!

A Little Jar of Clay

An earthen jar, broken and cracked
Once thought useless
By the masses
Yet
Used to by the Master
To water a luscious garden
Sharing and spreading
the deep endless flow
from the living spring's source
To all the dead seeds,
Struggling plants and tender flowers
that surround it

So

The master and his servants
Rejoice in the usefulness
And wisdom
In creating
this cracked and broken
little Jar of clay

Freedom

With a single look
The sorted past fades away

With one passing glance
Shame is undone

With a quiet whisper
true love takes form

With a potent word
Long term captives lay claim to freedom

With a gentle touch
Chains around a tattered soul fall away in shattered pieces

With a loud voice
prisoners cry tears of joy