Like many of you here, I grew up in the church, went to a Christian school, and learned all about God, Jesus, and the Bible. But something was missing.
I often wondered if I was “saved” and found myself consistently asking Jesus to “come in to my heart.” But nothing seemed to happen. I felt the same. Through the years I would hear of new Christians who had turned from crime and atheism and truly had that transformation and were on fire for God. I had expected this instant “magical transformation” to be my experience, but I didn't even FEEL any different. I was discouraged because I thought I had done the prayer “incorrectly.” So I finally resigned myself to mediocrity, and I accepted things as they were and for the most part gave up hoping for more.
Maybe some of you are expecting me to tell of my rebellious years where I ran from God like the prodigal son. Sorry to disappoint, but my story is not that juicy. And perhaps I was in an even more dangerous place as a lukewarm Christian.
God has always existed in my world belief, and I never strayed far, but Christianity stagnated within me. It was enough for me to have Him in the background and as a backup plan or an intellectual exercise. Honestly, I probably had more in common with the strict teachers of the law in the Bible than with the Apostles. It was familiar and safe and it was easy to keep up the illusion that I knew what I was doing. I knew all the facts and how to act like a Christian, and everyone I knew was convinced that I was altogether. In reality, most of the time I was more interested in being a nice person, not rocking the boat, and pleasing everyone around so I could feel good about myself. I figured God wanted me to be nice and doing what I was told was pleasing God. In short I knew about God, and believed in Him, but I didn’t KNOW God.
There were some exceptions, times that I did feel God. These times furthered my confusion, yet also opened my eyes to truth and could see God working. One event I want to share with you is when I was 13 years old. All that mattered to me was getting good grades, basketball and the crush I had on one of my classmates.
At this point it was discovered that I had a hole between my two top chambers of my heart. This caused oxygenated blood to mix with de-oxygenated blood which caused my heart to work harder than necessary. Therefore, my heart was over-sized and at risk of failing if no action was taken to correct the problem. The doctor explained that the hole was due to a genetic disorder, but looking back, I see that it was God’s plan that I would have that hole. For I believe He creates “holes” in all of our hearts to draw us into Him. God gave me peace about the operation. I wasn’t afraid, because I knew my life was in His hands and He would take care of me. And He did. The defect was repaired and over time my heart returned to its normal size. The only physical sign it happened was the 12 inch scar running down my chest.
That was powerful at the time, but it didn’t have lasting effects on me. I returned to finding other things to fill my life. God helped me through the surgery and that was great, but I returned to taking God for granted. The surgeon had filled the hole in my physical heart, but there was still a “hole” inside my soul longing to be filled. Secretly, I hungered for value and purpose, to be a part of something . . . I wanted MORE.
As I said before, I had heard of and known people that were on fire for God and I hungered for that, but had no idea on how to get it. I was drawn to those people, but I was too timid to open up, so I continued on the path I was familiar with – Being nice, shutting down my heart and looking to others to take control of my life. What everyone else wanted was more important than what I wanted. I was easily led along by my family or people I saw had authority. The voice in my head – with all my ideas and dreams – had been all but drowned out and I was at risk of forgetting who I really was. The man God created me to be. I didn’t even feel safe to express my true opinions and needs – I didn’t think they mattered. Or that I even mattered. There was a time in High School that my question to God was: “why did you create me?”
I really hated myself and didn’t let anyone in to my world for fear of rejection or that they would know who I really was. I believed who I really was, wasn’t worth anyone’s trouble to get to know. But inwardly I strove to find a woman who I could share myself with and would enable me to show what I was made of. I knew one thing: I had a lot of love to give. Whether I would admit it or not, my goal was to find a good Christian wife. There were two things I desired, 1). a woman to love and 2). God. But my 2 desires turned into just one: a woman who loved God enough for both of us.
Since I was searching so desperately for someone to love, I drove away good female friends – one in HS, the other in college (among others) – with my eager and over zealous behavior. These were friendships that ended in disaster, but the true casualty was my self worth and confidence. I fell into depression my Junior year in college but by the time graduation came I thought things were better.
In February 2001, nearly a year after my graduation, I met a woman that would change my life forever. I met her at a Bible study through my church. Her name was Cathy, or as she preferred, Cat, and she was a woman on fire for God. Her dream was to become a missionary or pastor and travel the world sharing God’s love. In addition to her passion for God, we had a lot in common and we became best friends. Since we loved the ocean, nature and swimming, we spent the summer nights at her apartment’s pool, talking, sharing and staring up into the stars. This was IT, I thought, a woman I can share my true self with. By July, we officially started dating exclusively. Wow, I thought, this woman has it altogether. Nothing happened in my life until I met her. This is great! After about 6 months of dating, I grew more and more certain: SHE was the ONE. I proposed and she accepted in May. After a whirlwind engagement I found myself to be a married man on June 8th, 2002.
Soon after our wedding, it became apparent it was going to be difficult. It was great for awhile, but things started to be strained and torn. There was still a lot of love, friendship and tenderness, but neither of us was happy. I didn’t think it was supposed to be this way, so I tried harder. I did what I could to love her, to fulfill as many needs as I could but no matter how hard I tried, the hole in my heart was still there. Over time, it was discovered that Cat was the victim of frequent illnesses, allergies, anxiety, depression and other physical and emotional issues. It became my job to take care of her and I embraced it. I poured my heart into Cat, and she became the object of my worship. I did my best to fill all her needs and go along with her plans. Throughout our marriage, Cat had encouraged me to read the bible, and do devotionals and pray. These things were difficult for me, so I felt inferior to her spirituality. She had such a good heart towards children, homeless, hungry and so I left it to her to be the spiritual leader. However, life as newlyweds was taking its toll on both of us. Something had to change.
After 2.5 years of marriage, we sought individual and couples counseling. I saw real changes in Feb 2005, when we went up north for vacation and there my hope was restored. However, in May of 2005, her depression had gotten the better of her and I checked her into a local hospital for help. After her stay there, she was stabilized for a time, until September.
So, a year ago this coming Tuesday – Oct. 3, 2005, my dad and I checked my wife of 3.3 years, into a top-rate mental health facility, and by their great love and generosity my parents would pay for it. It did a lot for her and us, but she still felt she couldn’t handle life. On November 13th, at her request, I dropped her off at a second treatment center this time in New Mexico. My parents paid some of the cost, because insurance wouldn’t cover it. Needless to say, we rapidly grew deep into debt. In December, as part of Cat's treatment, my access to communicate with her was limited to 2 calls a week for 20 minutes each. Cat and I started drifting apart. I was distraught with finances and with my loneliness. I was overwhelmed because I had been taking care of our house, our pets on my own, while working full-time. I turned to God and reached out to an old college friend who invited me to his church. My need for God had reawakened and I knew that only in Him would I have hope for the future. I took several visits up to Santa Fe to see her, and while we were both trying to stay connected, it became apparent to me there would be a lot of rebuilding when she came home.
The new year, 2006 arrived and she invited me to Santa Fe, saying “I want to tell you about what I’ve been going through.” So on January 16, I found myself sitting across from a woman I hardly recognized anymore, to hear the words that I dreaded, though deep inside I knew were inevitable . . . it went something like this: “I’ve done a lot of work here . . . and I’ve come to realize, I don’t know who I am, in fact I've only started to find out who I really am, and I don’t know who you are . . . I think we need a separation . . . I don't know for how long. . .” Her words hit me like a ton of brinks, and I could feel my heart being torn into pieces. I erupted into tears . . . but the worst was to come. After a time of settling after the initial shock, she dropped 2 tons of brinks on me when she said “I need to tell you, I've come to realize I hate God, because He is a condemning and mean God . . . He's done nothing for me. I don't want anything to do with Christianity.”
My world came crashing down that day. All that I had known of Cat was now called into question. The person I knew as my wife was gone. She came back to Phoenix on Feb. 8 and throughout February, we arranged the separation. In March she decided that she wanted a divorce instead. Her reason: My faith in a God and an affiliation with a religion she hated. After trying what I could to fight it, I gave her, once again, what she wanted.
I wish I could effectively tell you what it feels like to lose “everything” like I have. My dreams, my house, my beloved pets, my future, my own identity as a husband . . . she was the only person I had shared my heart with for nearly 5 years. She had been my focus for so long and in a matter of a moments, her decisions left me homeless and with $23,000.00 in debt.
Repeatedly I have run to God in anger, honesty, desperation and deep pain. Without hesitation he scooped me up and held me in His arms. AHhhhh, This is it, my answer. An unchanging, all-loving, God, THAT’s what I need. He has shown me true love and the meaning of true commitment. No longer could I place all my hopes and dreams on one human as I had been with Cat. I decided then and there that God would be the object of my worship. Her betrayal had left me so broken that for a time I had to depend on God for every breath I took. I couldn’t get enough . . . it’s been nine months and I still can’t get enough. I’m hungry, thirsty for him and finally, I understand the scriptures.
I can’t speak of it enough. I want to shout from the mountain tops how awesome my God is! Here are some examples:
- Against logic, I started tithing. Tithing had always just been an obligation, but now, I went to God and offered my money to Him freely and gratefully.
- My parents offered me a room in their house, and their shoulders to cry on.
- A week after Cat asked for a divorce, my employer awarded me an all expenses paid trip to Cancun.
- My share of the debt started at $23K in March but now is $3,500.00. I’ll be paid off by December.
- God has given me a fire inside and a heart for the lost. Knowing how I feel about Cat turning from God, I have caught a tiny glimpse of how God feels about all the lost people out there that are hurting and who buy into the lies of this world.
- I have been bold and my experiences have opened up doors to share my faith. Things I would have never done before. I find myself desperately trying to steer conversations to God and spiritual things.
- God has given me a new heart. Yes, it is scarred and broken, but it’s more beautiful than ever.
- I’ve been able to forgive Cat and desire the best for her and pray everyday she finds God, the true God who I know.
- He has directed me to this place, Oneplace, where I found a home and a group of godly brothers and sisters that have been instrumental in expressing God’s love in a tangible way. I praise God for all of you. Thank you!
I want to tell you GOD LOVES YOU, more than you can know or imagine. Let me slow down for a moment. I told a friend that God loves him, and all he mustered was a resigned, “he loves everyone.” While that is true, it is global, but it is more than anything, INDIVIDUAL. He comes to you and pleads for you to open your life to him, so He can make a home in your heart and make it new again.
I have so much to say, and I wish and pray that you could know God as I do without having to go through something as core-shattering as I did. That’s why I’m standing here today: To encourage you to be honest with yourself, with others and most importantly with God. He doesn’t just want you to be good, he wants to know everything about you -- and most wonderfully work through you.
Many of you may be struggling with similar pain, but take heart, do not despair and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God is there through it all.
Thank you all.
10/1/2006 Delivered at "OnePlace" Church, Phoenix AZ
